PISSES ON MADONNA

CHERYL COLE: Pop that chest booty, Tweedy

I have mixed feelings about Girls Aloud going solo. They are, almost undeniably, the bet pop act in the country, and should things go a little too well for either Irish or Tweedy, it could all go the way of Destiny's Child.

While the thought of a post-GA career for Ginger, Cokey and Pete Burns is almost too depressing to bare, i must admit to being very fond of '3 Words' (the single, not the album) that Cheryl has recorded with Will.i.am.

It's fair to assume they haven't agonised over the lyrical content for hours, but the melody, sophisticated in its simplicity, is a brave blend of sombre and sweet that i cannot get enough of.

MR. HUDSON

I get the unshakable feeling that he is a twat.

THE X FACTOR 2009: a round-up so far

Daniyeyil is a posh bellend with a giant mouth but is very good and I would definitely bum him.

Stacey is mostly funny but also good, and although I fear her 'comedy routine' might get old very soon, she seems like a genuinely lovely girl.

John and Edward are not 'pure entertainment', their performance of Britney's "Oops... I did it again" was the height of their relevance, they have now served their purpose and must therefore be eliminated.

Miss Frank were brilliant and it pains me that they have left.

Joe sings like a goat and surely only appeals to the elderly (there's a joke here about his surname sounding like 'elderly' but it most likely wouldn't be very funny)

Hat Boy should have never been put through to the live shows. Not selecting THE YANK HUNK (ethan somethingorother) was a huge mistake on Cheryl's part that I shan't forgive her for.

Lucie was good on Big Band week but is otherwise dull as dishwater.

Olly Murs is fantastic and I would definitely bum him too (or let him bum me? not sure. he does have an enormous jaw, which bothers me a bit. I'll have a think about that).

I was a big supporter of Rachel but now think she is a bellend.

Lloyd has a fairly sweet voice but is an utter amateur (I don't care how young he is).

Jamie Afro is a one-trick talentless cunt.

Robbie and Whitney were shit and definitely off their tits on drugs. Alexandra Burke is annoying and talks too much. Cheryl was brilliant. More next week!

THE EMPEROR OF PITY

God, it's easy to forget how fat he was, isn't it?

I've established my stance on KeishaGate, now on to the real business. They are both internationally renowned pop stars so this is all very relevant.

Peter Andre's new video came on The Hits (or whatever they are calling it) last night and, frankly, knives through the eyes would have been kinder. Shimmy on over to your cutlery drawer 'cause here it is:

Whilst I haven't the slightest issue with someone making a career of being a greedy slut whoring out her disabled child, I take genuine offense to the blubbering, doe-eyed FESTIVAL OF PITY that this man has farted all over us of late.

"Everything I can't tell you about why I left Kate.", "Hate Kate, Buy My Album.", "Look At My Kids, Now Look At Her Tranny (Probably Paedophile) Boyfriend, Now Look At My Tears, Now Buy My Shit Album."

I understand that self-respect is not a factor to consider in this specific scenario, but have some fucking self-respect.

BREAKING NEWS: Keisha's Out

I know, I know. I wrote 1 post in 2008 so let me do some catching up. But first, a picture.

Such elegance!

I don't see what the big fuss was all about, she always had a major case of bitch face.

And it's no coincidence this all happened at the same time that Amelle got to number 1 with a solo project. She basically couldn't bare the attention being on someone else for a second, tried to get rid of (thin, tall) Amelle and it backfired in her big bitch face.

I say good riddance, a warm welcome to Jade and on with the show. It's not like the Sugababes had retained any credibility since the departure of poor Siobhan anyway.

Heidi better step-up her Slim-Fast game though, 'cause she's definitely the fat one now :(

RIHANNA'S ALBUM COVER

OH GOD is she hiding another black eye? (n.b. domestic abuse is not funny).

I can't wait to play her new single at the weekend, when I'm straightening my hair and getting ready to go out with my girls! What? Oh, i see. No that's fine i'll just dust off Confessions On A Dancefloor.

ADAM LAMBERT'S ALBUM COVER

You make up your own mind, I'm too hungover for this.

TRANNY CLOWN DROPS A STEAMER

Christina Aguilera (checking for lumps below) has a new song for you, hav' a listen...

SHAMEFUL BUT TRUE

First she bags a hot pop boy, now she releases a brilliant single. "Outta My Head" reminds us of everything we love about Cyndi Lauper.